I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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