I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
