My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
