you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So here I am, sexting at work.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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