my soul wont recognize me after tonight
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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