I love black thongs
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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