I am spending my child support on dildos
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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