I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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