Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
