My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
