Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
