Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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