i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
