I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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