this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
