Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize