beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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