so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
