Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
