Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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