I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
