Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
