dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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