So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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