i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
