people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
