end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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