yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
