my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
