I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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