Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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