arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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