It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
