First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
