We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
