Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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