I wish life had little blips of pornography
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
