I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize