I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
