Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
