okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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