She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
