and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
