It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
