I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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