I just cut my nipple shaving
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize