I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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