I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
