im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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