is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
