2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
