I wish I could teleport
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if i can run in heels then i can drive
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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