I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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