I wish my penis had an off switch
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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