Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
